


Whoa Is Me

by sendricamp, thefantasmickah



Series: Real Life [2]
Category: Pitch Perfect
Genre: F/F, trigger warning: drug use, trigger warning: implied self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 17:31:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/641312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sendricamp/pseuds/sendricamp, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefantasmickah/pseuds/thefantasmickah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twenty-three is no age to be this famous.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whoa Is Me

It came too easy. The seemingly unlimited access to pills, pot and coke that came with being the most in demand young DJ-slash-producer in the world. The world at her fingertips, free drinks at the bar and any man or woman she wanted to drag to a room with her. When it started, the only thing she wanted at the end of the night was to have a certain redhead, but that was a distant dream. Phones calls, video chats and e-mails only help to a certain degree. The first time she cheats on Chloe, it almost seems like an accident. She was wasted -- she likes to pretend that, at least -- and this woman looks so much like Chloe, except for the hair. This woman -- Jennie, she thinks -- has blonde hair that falls to her shoulders and her eyes aren’t as blue as Chloe’s, but she has a brilliant body and her fingers look like they know how to move.

Twenty-three is really no age to be this famous.

The pictures leak to the internet before she can stop them. Her -- and the blonde chick, who was Jessie, not Jennie -- walking into her hotel, hand in hand. She can feel the pain from Chloe before she even picks up the phone. How could she? Was she not thinking? Does four years together mean nothing to her? She hates herself for ignoring the questions, choosing instead to focus on the joint that is between her fingers at that moment. She throws out a cheap I’m sorry. It will never happen again. It was a momentary lapse in judgement spurred on by loneliness.

Chloe believes her, almost. There were other reports -- drugs and drinking -- that Beca can easily brush off, even as she takes another hit. She doesn’t have a problem, she just likes stuff that is easy to get. She tells Chloe she loves her, that she will see her in three days when she comes through Atlanta. Then she gets off the phone and decides the pot isn't doing it for her. So she calls up Alex and he swings by the hotel with some grade-A coke.

She floats away before being led to the car, taking her to the airport. Private jets. It helps keep her away from the snapping cameras. Everyone wants a piece of DJ BPM. There is a reporter on the plane -- she wasn’t made aware and it shows that she is miffed -- but she plays nice. She answers the questions for the blurb in Rolling Stone. A few weeks later, the magazine is dropped in front of her when Chloe comes home from work, her ice blue eyes a cold steely grey as they look at her. She isn’t pleased and Beca had dropped a few pills earlier that only make her laugh it off.

> Beca Mitchell isn’t what you would expect, upon first meeting her. Smaller in person than she seems behind a set of turntables, she exudes a sense of importance that she has earned on some level or another. She isn’t pleased that her team failed to inform her of an impending interview, but she sits across from me and throws on a well-rehearsed smile. Throughout the hour and a half flight she goes through no less than seven airline sized bottles of vodka. When asked what drew her to music, her answer seems to flow from her without needing much thought.
> 
> “When I was a teenager, my dad walked out on my mom and I, and if I paid close enough attention to songs, there were ones out there about that. When I had my heart broken for the first time, there were songs about that, too. Music is a universal language. There is a beat or a melody or lyrics for every moment in our lives, if we choose to pay that much attention. Music is the only thing in my life that was a constant -- the only thing that made sense. If I was down, I would throw on something horribly cheesy and pop -- like the Spice Girls or BBMak -- but if I was looking to lose myself, something more along the lines of Pendulum worked. I have not met a single person in my life that doesn’t have at least one song that got them through everything or a song that brings them up when they feel like there is nothing left there for them.”
> 
> I pried as to what songs meant the world to her, she got unusually silent before offering: “Titanium by David Guetta and Sia will always be at the top of my list. It was the song that connected me, emotionally, to my fiancée Chloe. She bombarded me in the shower, telling me that I had been singing her fucking diddle jam and she coerced me into singing it with her. In that moment, I knew I wanted to be hers. I didn’t see it as her being mine, because that isn’t how things work with Chloe. I would be hers, and that was absolutely perfect to me. She sings, you know? Does a lot of backup on my tracks, but prefers to stay in Atlanta teaching kindergarten to making a career out of an obvious talent. Music is what drew us together, and music is what keeps us together.”
> 
> Her gaze goes from me to somewhere in the distance when she talks about the main woman in her life: “Chloe is perfect, in every sense of the word. She knows I am fucked up, but she doesn’t leave me. She believes in me. She was actually the first person to ever believe in me. She sat through hours of me trying to teach her how to make a mash-up with no complaints, despite being completely lost the second I started talking about down beats. I can’t see myself having a future with anyone but her.”
> 
> She fiddles with the ring on her finger almost constantly, as if she is making sure it is still there. When I bring up the multiple rumours of her infidelity, she scoffs: “I know what it looks like from the outside. You see me taking some chick into my hotel, but do you see what happens after that? No, because it is private. I am faithful to my fiancée. I party with people, but I don’t step out. I.. I have no respect for people like that. They are the lowest of plebeians in my book. If I ever found myself in a situation where I was unfaithful, I would return this ring to Chloe and walk out of her life forever.”
> 
> Sensing that I had hit a nerve, I was quick to move on, as I try to press about her family life growing up and am met with a steely glare before she lights a joint, inhaling deeply. I try for more Chloe, the subject she seems so comfortable with: “Chloe as my muse? Possibly. The music has always molded me, defined who I am. I am a song, rough around the edges but with those lyrics that make you sit back and think. Chloe.. Chloe is the opposite. Her lyrics are jumbled, but the beat is something that you can’t help but dance to. The smile does anything but leave your face. She is my everything, and I love her more than I love myself.”
> 
> Beca moves to another part of the plane and it is clear she is done with the interview.

Beca tosses the magazine onto the table, getting up and following Chloe into the kitchen. “I don’t see why you have to look so pissed off,” she says, hopping onto the kitchen counter as Chloe unloads the dishwasher. She doesn’t miss the way Chloe’s head shakes, that sad smile on her lips. “What?”

“Drinking. Smoking. Lying,” she says, turning to look at her fiancée. “Beca, I don’t know why I am still here. You have spent a large portion of the past four years walking all over me. You play it like I don’t know what happens when you are on tour, but I do, and it bothers the shit out of me. I thought you loved me, but God only knows how many different women you have slept with in the past year.”

The brunette laughs it off, jumping down from the counter and wrapping her arms around Chloe. “I do love you,” she mumbles, her lips pressed to the back of the redhead’s neck.

“Why?” she asks, worming out of the hold. “Because I know to keep my mouth shut about what you do when you are on the road? You like keeping up this happy image of a home life that you can’t wait to get home to? Why do I have to be a liar, too, Beca? When my parents call or when Aubrey calls and I have to tell them that I miss you terribly and cannot wait until you get home when in reality, some days, if I never saw your face again I would be happy?” She rolls her eyes. “I don’t even know why I am trying to have this discussion with you right now. You are blown out of your mind, aren’t you?”

Beca shrugs.

“I wish you didn’t feel the need to numb yourself. What happened to when we could just sit down and talk like normal adults? I mean, for fucks sake, Beca, I haven’t seen you in five months and you come home while I am at work and by the time I get here, you’re high.”

“You should try it sometime. Might loosen you up.”

Chloe turns, her eyes meeting the younger woman’s. “What is wrong with you?” she snaps, her voice rising. “Remember when we talked about adopting, Beca? All these little stunts you keep pulling while on the road have effectively ruined that! No one would let a child come home to somewhere you live. I have to sit around all day and hear about you on the news and, to be completely honest, sometimes I am terrified that I am going to see a headline that you were found dead somewhere. You have a problem, Beca, and more than anything I want you to get it fixed. And I want to know why you always have to lie. I mean, everyone knows, and you still pretend like I am the only woman for you. But, Beca, everyone knows that I sit at home while you go out and get your kicks. Everyone thinks I am a poor, little fool who doesn’t know any better, but I am not an idiot.”

“So, tell me then, Chloe, if you aren’t an idiot, why haven’t you just given up yet? Huh?” Beca asks, walking back into the living room, digging through her bag for more of the pills. “Why haven’t you just run away and found someone who you think loves you more than I ever will? Why torture yourself?!”

“Because I love you,” she whispers, leaning against the wall and watching Beca carefully. “I am not going to just give up on us. Somewhere behind all of this using, there is still the Beca I fell in love with and I am determined to find her again. I asked you to marry me for a reason. I’ve told you multiple times that I don’t give myself away lightly, but I have given you everything and received almost nothing in return, lately. If I thought I could ask for my heart back, I would, but you have it.”

“Cliché, Chloe.”

“I don’t give a fuck if it is or not. The fact of the matter is that I gave you my heart and all you have done over the past year is stomp all over it. It hurts, yes, but as long as you are hurting me, I know I still care. As long as I still care, I can hold out hope that you can make yourself better. I want you to be better, Beca. I wish you would take some time off. You have been working at this for so long. You are destroying yourself and you can’t even see that, and that is what hurts the most about all this.”

Beca finally finds the pill bottle, opening it and popping two into her mouth before turning to look at Chloe. “You can’t fix everything, Chloe. Sometimes.. sometimes things are just too broken to be put back together.” She looks at the redhead for a moment, slowly moving across the living room, sliding her arms around Chloe’s waist, pulling her close. “I’m hurting, too, Chloe, but all you see is someone being childish and acting out,” she whispers. She presses her lips to Chloe’s. “I do love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. I am going to go lay down, and I think, since you pointed it out that it has been five months since I have been home, I would love if you came with me. No talking, no fighting.. just being together.”

Chloe shakes her head, a frown on her face, but leads them to the bedroom anyway.

* * *

 

By the time Chloe gets home from work the next day, she’s high again. Chloe rolls her eyes, scoffing, before disappearing into the bedroom. She returns ten minutes later in pajama pants and a hoodie, sitting on the opposite end of the couch from Beca. “Do you have to do that when I am here?” she asks, nodding her head towards the joint in Beca’s hand.

Beca shrugs, taking another hit.

“You may be perfectly fine with destroying your body, Beca, but I’m not,” she snaps, reaching over and grabbing the offending item, putting it out in the ashtray on the table. “Do you even think about the people around you anymore? I mean, the ones who care about you, not the ones you pay to be there.”

“I think about you. I love you.”

“What about yourself?”

Beca shrugs.

“See, here is the problem. I think the only person you love is me, Beca, and that isn’t good. How can you say you love me when you don’t even love yourself? You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.”

Another shrug. She reaches into her pocket, pulling her phone out and messing with it. She looks up at Chloe a moment later, her eyes slightly glazed over. “There is nothing about me to love, Chloe.”

Chloe remains silent for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip before taking a deep breath. “Right now, Beca, you’re right. In this exact moment, looking at you, I cannot see a single thing about you to love. You have lost every single thing I ever loved about you. I don’t.. I don’t even know who you are anymore!” she says, wiping tears from her eyes. “I am trying so hard to get through to you.. to have you see what is happening.. but you just.. you numb everything with drugs.”

Beca goes back to messing with her phone, thumb hovering over a number. “It makes things easier.”

Chloe holds back the frustrated groan sitting at the back of her throat. “Makes what easier, Beca?”

“Life.”

“Oh, because your life is oh so horrible, Beca! You run around the world, drinking and smoking and fucking, and I have been left here by myself! Do you know how much I have needed you while you were gone? You killed our chances of adopting, and I found out that I can’t carry a child!” she snaps, her voice breaking. She takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself, before continuing. “My mom.. she is dying, Beca, and I tried to call you and tell you that I needed you to come home. Every single time I tried calling you, that fucking assistant of yours would tell me that you were busy. You go on and on in interviews about how much you love your fiancée back home, but you couldn’t be bothered to take ten minutes to call me back and see why I needed you!”

Beca looks up, her hands dropping to her sides on the couch. Her mouth falls open slightly, her eyes meeting Chloe’s.

“You have nothing you need to drown out. You have anything you could have ever wanted. You are a selfish fuck-up, Beca, and nothing more!”

“Now you are just like everyone else! I thought you were supposed to love me,” she says, sitting up. “You were supposed to be the one in my corner! Be there for me when I came home!”

Chloe stands up, a hollow laugh escaping her throat. Beca misses the look in her eyes, though, as she stares at the floor instead. “You weren’t there for me when I needed you, Beca, so why in the fuck would I continue to be there for you?!” She shakes her head, moves to the bedroom and changes into a pair of jeans. She throws on her sneakers before returning to the living room, seeing Beca staring at her phone again. “I’m going out,” she says, grabbing her purse before slamming the door to the apartment shut behind her.

Beca rolls her eyes, letting her thumb tap down on the screen before putting the phone to her ear. “Jools, hey, it’s me. Yeah, I’ll take you up on that deal. I could use a few lines about now,” she says, sitting up and looking around for her keys. “You still accepting my tongue as payment? I don’t feel like stopping by the bank.”

* * *

 

Chloe barely makes it to the coffee shop on the next block before she collapses on a chair outside. She takes a couple shallow breaths and remembers that she should buy something if she wants to stay there for a while. She enters the shop and orders the first thing she sees on the menu. Thanking the barista she moves back outside, no one needs to hear her conversations. She pulls out her phone and dials the second number on speed dial. A weary voice answers, “Hello?”

“Hi, mama,” Chloe runs her fingers through her hair and sighs, “Oh mama, I don’t know what to do.”

“What’s going on, baby?” Her mother sounds much older than her forty-eight years.

“It’s Beca. I don’t know how we can make this work. It’s like she’s throwing our entire relationship away.”

“Tell me what happened, honey, don’t leave anything out.”

Chloe pauses and grabs her cup, she takes a slow sip, wincing when the scalding hot liquid touches her tongue. “She’s on drugs, Mom. I don’t even know what she’s on now. She says she loves me but I can’t see it anymore. I know she’s cheated on me.” Hot tears form in her eyes, threatening to fall. “If there was one thing I thought she would never do it was cheat. Her dad cheated on her mom and it tore her apart. Why can’t she see that she’s doing the very same thing to us?”

Her mom sighs and Chloe can imagine the older woman sitting back in her favorite chair, their elderly cat on her lap, “I don’t know, Chloe. Maybe she has a lot going on right now. I’m not making excuses for her, baby, but maybe she doesn’t know how to deal with her success.” Chloe closes her eyes and tries to picture herself sitting beside her mom, holding her hand, she knows that her mom’s once golden curls are gone, replaced with a floral cloth to keep her head warm, “The important thing to ask yourself, is what do you want to do now? It’s up to you to do what’s best for you. Even if you love her, baby, that doesn’t mean you should be together, okay? I need you to know that.”

Chloe tries to choke back a sob but it breaks through, “Mama, I love her so much. I don’t want to leave her, especially not like this.”

Her mother’s calm voice soothes her, “It hurts me to hear you so unhappy, Chloe. You know I love Beca too, but is she really what is best for you right now? Tell me truthfully.”

“No.” Chloe tries to wipe the tears running down her cheeks to no avail, the fact that she’s in public doesn’t bother her anymore, “She’s not.”

“Then I think you have your answer. It doesn’t mean it’s the easy one, just the right one. Maybe in the future she’ll be better and can love you the way she should. Don’t give up, baby, but you need to get out of there for right now. You’ve held on as long as you can, and she can’t get better if she doesn’t want to.”

“How did you get to be so smart?” Chloe laughs through her tears, it sounds broken, fitting almost.

“Oh you know, years and years of practice.”

Chloe can hear how tired her mother is, “Mama, if you need to rest, you can. I think I know what to do now.”

“If you’re sure, baby.”

“I am. Say hi to Daddy for me.”

“I will, honey. I love you, always.”

“Love you too, Mama.” Chloe hesitates before ending the call, finally setting the phone down and picking up her coffee, she needs to gather herself slightly before calling Aubrey. She needs a game plan.

Two cups of coffee and a scribbled list on a paper napkin later, she’s ready to give Aubrey a call. “Bree?” She says once her friend picks up.

“What’s up, Chloe?”

Chloe clears her throat before speaking again, all traces of tears gone from her face, no more crying, only action, Aubrey would be so proud. “I need your help moving me. Tonight, if possible.”

“Aca-scuse me?”

Chloe almost laughs at the phrase that still slips through to Aubrey’s everyday speak, even though she claims she’s a “grown professional woman” now. “I’m moving out,” she says, voice firm. Her voice softens slightly, “And I’m leaving Beca.”

Aubrey sputters, “What? Chloe, what’s going on.”

Chloe sighs, “She’s a mess, Bree, and not the sort of mess I can fix, though I’ve tried.”

“What do you mean, Chlo?”

“Drugs, drinking, sex, you name it. She won’t let me help her because she doesn’t even acknowledge that she needs help. I can’t do it anymore.”

Chloe can hear Aubrey sigh, “Alright, if you think that’s what you should do. What time do you want me there?”

“Can you leave now? I’ll head back in a couple minutes, hopefully she isn’t there.”

“You’re sounding suspiciously calm about all of this Chloe, are you sure you’re alright?”

“I’ve had some time to think about it, Bree. And my mom,” her voice cracks a little bit, “My mom helped me figure out what I needed to do.”

“If you’re sure, Chloe. I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”

“I’m sure. I’ll see you then.”

* * *

 

Aubrey lets herself into the apartment, intent on grabbing the last boxes from the bedroom and getting out. She stops in her tracks and rolls her eyes when she sees Beca sitting on the couch, a photo frame in her hand. “I was hoping we could get everything out before you got home,” she says, closing the door. She looks over, taking note of how the brunettes foot is tapping a fast rhythm on the floor.

“Where is she now?”

“My apartment. She is going to head down to Miami and be with her mom for.. well.. until it happens,” she replies, watching Beca.

“She’s leaving me, isn’t she?”

Aubrey hates herself for being invested, because she can tell Beca has been crying. “Well, you only have yourself to blame, Beca. She has been trying, and you just don’t let her help.” She watches as the younger woman stands up, turning to face her. She hasn’t seen Beca in almost a year, and she can tell how much she has changed. She looks more exhausted than a twenty-three year old should. “You look like shit,” she says.

“I feel like shit,” Beca replies, running a hand through her hair. “Is it just me or is it hot in here?”

Aubrey rolls her eyes again. “Really?”

“No, seriously, it feels like it is too hot in here,” she says, sitting back down on the couch and resting her head between her knees. She stays that way for a moment before looking back to Aubrey, fear on her face, like she just figured something out. “Take me to the hospital.”

“You are being a drama queen.”

“Aubrey.. I am serious.. take me to the hospital. Now,” she demands, moving towards the door. She looks back, noting that Aubrey hasn’t moved. “Are you that pissed off at me that you are going to run the risk of me dying? What in the fuck would that do to Chloe, Aubrey?”

The blonde finally moves, following Beca to the car. She drove to the hospital in silence, parking and following Beca inside. “You look fine, Beca, just tired. Why did we have to drive all the way over here?”

The shorter woman shook her off, leaning against the admissions counter. “Look, I don’t mean to sound like a bitch or in a rush, but I have a severe hunch that I am overdosing and it would be wise to get a doctor to attend to me. Now.” The nurse took to finding a doctor and Beca turned, looking at Aubrey. “I have this. I know she doesn’t care anymore, but please go call Chloe and let her know, yeah? I.. I need her to know. I need her to know I messed up. And I know that I messed up.”

Aubrey watched as the nurse reappeared, leading Beca away. Aubrey debates leaving the hospital but something stops her. She pinches the bridge of her nose and pulls out her phone rapidly dialing a number, “Chloe?"

“Hi, Aubrey! Did you get everything from the apartment?”

“No, I didn’t. Look, Chlo, I went to the apartment and--” Aubrey hesitates, how is she supposed to tell Chloe this, it isn’t as if there is a guide to telling your best friend her fiancée overdosed on God knows what. “I’m at the hospital,” she says finally.

“What?” Chloe’s voice raises, “Bree, what happened? Are you okay? Beca wasn’t there was she? She didn’t try and hurt you, right? Oh God, if she did I’m so going to give her a piece of my mind. That’s the worst possible thing she could do right now.”

“Chloe! Shut up.” Aubrey tries to grab Chloe’s attention. “Beca didn’t hurt me. But Beca--she overdosed on something. I took her to the hospital. I don’t know what’s happening or if she’s okay. Oh God.”

Chloe clears her throat, “Which hospital, Bree?”

Her voice sounds like it’s in a tunnel, “Emory. Chloe, hurry.”

“I’m on my way, stay put.”

It felt like no time had passed at all between Aubrey’s phone call and when the redhead rushes into the the ER’s waiting room. “Where is she?”

Aubrey stands and captures Chloe in a tight hug, “She’s in one of the rooms, I’m not sure where. Ask the nurse.”

Chloe pulls back and catches Aubrey’s gaze, “Thank you, Bree. I don’t know what I would have--”

“I know, now go.”

Chloe walks to the desk, dread filled in each step, “Chloe Beale, emergency contact for Beca Mitchell. She’s my...fiancée. Please tell me she’s okay.”

The nurse looks at her and Chloe pretends she can’t see the pity so clearly shown, “I’ll get the doctor for you, Ms. Beale.”

“Thank you.” Chloe goes back to Aubrey and slumps down on the chair next to her, “I don’t know how I’m supposed to be feeling right now, Bree.”

Aubrey pulls her close and kisses her on the shoulder, rubbing circles on her back, “I know, Chloe. Let’s worry about that later. Let’s just hope she’s okay.”

“Ms. Beale?”

Chloe pulls away from Aubrey who gives her hand a firm squeeze, “I’ll be here when you get back, Chlo.”

“Thanks.” She shakes the doctor’s hand and tries to stop it from trembling. “How is my--” she swallows hard, “How is Beca?”

He takes her gently by the arm and leads her to a hallway, they pause outside a room, “Beca overdosed on cocaine. It’s a good thing she came in when she did. We gave her a dose of valium to slow her heart rate and she’s currently surrounded by ice packs in order to offset the effects of the drug. She’s doing alright for now but we’ll have to wait and see how she responds. Beca is very lucky, Ms. Beale.”

Chloe steps into the room, noting the nurse checking the machines. Before she can stop herself, she has Beca’s hand in hers. “Why is she so warm?” she asks, turning her head to look at the doctor.

“One of the effects of a cocaine overdose is hyperthermia. If a person falls into a frozen pond, hypothermia causes their body temperature to drop to an unhealthy level. Hyperthermia works the opposite way. The body temperature rises to unsafe levels. The ice packs are to try to lower the body temperature before it gets to the point where it could kill her. She seems warm now, but she has cooled off considerably, internally, since arriving. The valium has her asleep, but it works to calm the heart rate. She knew something was wrong, and she was wise to come to the hospital when she did.”

Chloe nods, her attention going back to the sleeping woman. “How long until you know she is going to be okay?”

“A few hours, at the most. You are welcome to stay in here with her.”

She sits down in the chair by the bed, Beca’s hand still in hers. Somewhere around fifteen minutes after the nurse leaves, Beca opens her eyes, immediately finding Chloe’s. “Hi.”

Beca remains silent, the look on her face somewhere between happiness, confusion and guilt.

“I thought I was going to have a heart attack when Aubrey told me that you were here. I think I broke the law a couple times driving over. I am happy that you are going to be okay.”

“I feel like there is a but in there somewhere.”

Chloe nods. “Beca, how stupid can you be? You could have died! I mean, if this isn’t a warning sign that you have a problem, I am scared to know what is!”

“I came home and you were gone and your things were gone. I told you, drugs are easier than dealing with life, and if I was all of a sudden looking at a life without you, I didn’t care what would have happened to me. You think that I can’t love you because I don’t love myself.. and I thought I didn’t have anything about me to love.. but, Chloe, you are a part of me. You are the only good part about me, anymore, and I messed up so bad. You’re right, it is a sign that I have a problem.”

Chloe wipes her eyes, trying to stop the tears.

“That is the first step, right? Admitting that you have a problem? Well, I said it, Chloe. I said what you have been wanting me to say for so long. I am not asking for forgiveness or for you to pretend that we can be okay. I want.. I want to get help. I want to be better so I can be someone that you deserve. You have every right to leave me.”

“Beca, can we just focus on getting you better?” Chloe knows it’s a cop out but she almost lost her fiancée twice today and she didn’t want to rock the boat even more. “I love you, so much. But you need to get help, okay?”

Beca slowly nods. “I know. I hear there is this nice place up in Illinois.. maybe I can see about going up there for a few months. I don’t know how those places work, really, but I want to get better.. do you think you would want to visit me?”

“I don’t know, Bec. Maybe if they let me. But I’m pretty sure that there is a waiting period before you can have visitors. How did you hear about it?” Curiosity overwhelms Chloe, did Beca look into rehab before? Was she thinking of getting help and just hadn’t made the call yet?

“I was looking at places a few months back. I was scared, Chloe, because I knew I was hurting you but I couldn’t stop. I was ignoring you, and that just made me use more,” she says, closing her eyes. “I am a horrible fucking person.”

Chloe sighs and takes Beca’s hand in hers again, her thumb rubs small circles on it, “You’re not a horrible person, Beca. You just made some really shitty choices. And you’re lucky you lived through them, okay? You almost died. Do you have any idea what that would have been like for me to get that phone call?”

“You would have survived, because you are strong.” She was quiet for a moment. “You said your mom was really sick?” she asks, her eyes meeting Chloe’s again.

“She has cancer, Beca,” Chloe’s eyes start to water. “I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you, she doesn’t have much longer.”

“Shit. And I kept fucking telling Alex to brush you off when you called. You needed me.. how.. how long have you known?”

“She didn’t tell me for a while, she didn’t want to worry me, but then the chemo didn’t work. It’s been three months since she told me she only had five months, if she was lucky. I don’t know, Beca. I worry every day that I’m going to get that phone call saying that my mother is dead,” Chloe’s grip tightens on Beca’s hand, “And you weren’t there for me. Do you have any idea how shitty that felt?”

“I can’t even imagine how shitty that felt, Chlo,” she replies, bringing Chloe’s knuckles to her lips, kissing them gently. “And I am not even going to be there for you when.. when it happens. Are you going to go be with her?”

“I’ll probably fly out in a week, I need to get some things settled here before I go.” Chloe looks at Beca, the girl has always been small but the wires attached to her make her appear almost like a child in the larger bed, “It’s okay that you won’t be there, Beca, she would want you to get better. Please know that.”

“Chloe, after everything I have put you through in the past six months.. your mother probably hates me. I know Aubrey hates me.”

“My mother doesn’t hate you, Bec, she’s worried about both of us. She wants us to be happy, and she wants you to be healthy. She will be happy to hear you’re going to get help.” Chloe looks up at the ceiling trying to gather her thoughts, “Aubrey...Aubrey isn’t happy, but she definitely was worried about you. She doesn’t want you dead in any case, Beca. No one wants you dead.”

Beca takes a deep breath. “I want me dead.”

Chloe’s breath catches sharply, “Please don’t talk like that, Beca. Please.”

“It’s the truth, though. I think I have wanted to die for a while now.”

“Why didn’t you feel like you could talk to me? You know I’m here for you, right? I’ve always been here for you.”

Beca shakes her head. “I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone, Chloe. I was scared. I had never had a thought like that before, and then the.. the first time I cheated on you, afterwards.. I kicked her out of my hotel room and I sat on the floor crying with a knife in my hand, pressing against the skin, for three straight hours. No amount of smoking or coke could get the pain out of my head. I just.. I wanted to die.. part of me still wants to die.”

Chloe drags her hand away from Beca and pushes her thumbs gently against her closed eyes, she swallows, her breath shaky. “I don’t know what to say, Beca. I had no idea.”

“No one had any idea, Chloe. That’s the point. And it happened more than once.. the wanting to die.. it came after every single woman I brought back to my hotel room..” her voice trails off. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“If you felt like that then why didn’t you stop?”

“Because everyone around me was enabling it. Alex would find the girls. He never brought me a redhead. But he would show up with the drugs and then when I was good and gone, we would go out and he would find these girls and introduce them to me and everyone wanted to sleep with the hot young DJ.”

“Yeah, well,” Chloe tries to swallow the acid on her tongue, “I can see how it would be difficult for you.” As soon as the words were out there Chloe wishes she could change them some way.

Beca scrunches her face up. “I should have said no, each and every time. But it just.. it just kept happening and for that few hours I felt so loved.”

Chloe stands up abruptly, moving away from the bed, “How many times, Beca. How many times?”

She opens her mouth, closing it, then opening it again. “O.. Over forty.”

Chloe’s eyes well up and she turns her back to Beca, “I need to go now, Beca. Call me when you’re released to go to rehab. I just need to go now.”

“Chloe!” Beca pleads, trying to force herself to sit up. “Please.. don’t..”

“I love you, Beca, I do, but I can’t look at you right now. You need to get better and then we can talk.”

* * *

 

Beca sits down at the table, trying her best to smile at Chloe. “I am really glad you were able to come see me,” she mumbles, messing with the sleeves of her hoodie.

“Me too.” Chloe plays absently with the ring still on her finger. “How are you?”

“Better in some ways. I.. I haven’t been sleeping well. I have a lot of nightmares. They have me on medication for depression, though. But the nightmares.. they are a side effect of prolonged cocaine usage.. they could go away within months or maybe never.” She looks at Chloe’s hands. “They won’t let us wear jewelry in here,” she says, holding up her left hand. “It is in a safe with my phone and other valuable items, I guess. How.. how is your mom?”

Chloe’s slight smile falls instantly and she looks off to the side, when she looks back her eyes have filled with tears, “She died two weeks ago.” Her tears fall fast.

“Shit,” Beca says, letting a breath out. “I’m so sorry, Chloe.” She reaches across the table, her hands easily linking with Chloe’s. “I wish I could have been there for you.”

Chloe grips Beca’s hands, “She... she uh, wanted me to tell you that she was proud of you. “

Beca looks at the table. “If I hadn’t been scared and stupid, I could have been better and been there..”

“Hey,” Chloe pulls Beca’s hands closer to her, “Please don’t talk like that. You’re doing what you need to to get better, and my mom knew that, okay? Never be mad at yourself for that. I’m just glad you’re still here with me. I don’t think I could take losing you both.”

Beca looks up at Chloe, trying to smile. “I.. I never asked this before I left.. but.. I have my ring.. you have yours.. are we still engaged? Or did I ruin that?”

“I guess I never thought to take it off.” Chloe looks down at her hand, “I love you, Beca, probably more now than I ever have and I’m willing to guess that the same will be true of tomorrow and so on. I think we have a lot that we need to work through, a lot.”

“I love you, too. And I can mean that, because each and every day I find something new about myself to love. They aren’t huge things.. but just.. sometimes shallow? I like the way I smile when I think about you. The way it reaches my eyes. I love that I make music from my heart.”

“That makes me so happy to hear, Beca, you have no idea.” Chloe brings one of Beca’s hand up to her cheek, “I’ve missed you so much, and I want you to get better desperately, but I want you to get better for you and you alone, okay? Because once that happens, then I know that we can be together for the right reasons, okay?”

Beca nods. “I know I need to get better for me. I hurt you.. I hurt a lot of people.. but none more so than myself. I was destroying my life. I never want to fall back, but.. I hate talking about this.. there is always going to be the chance for a relapse, no matter how many precautions I take. I have a plan for when I get out in a few months for going back to work.”

“Do you think it’s wise to go back?” Chloe knows it’s what Beca has always wanted to do but it’s also one of the main reasons they were in this room in the first place.

“No, but I haven’t touched music in two months, Chloe. I have six more before I can do anything,” she says, trying to keep her voice low.

Chloe nods and then laughs quietly, “Just think of all the new music that will be out there for you when you get back.” She smiles, “But only do what’s best for you. No one will think you’re a quitter or a failure if you have to stop. It’s for your mental and physical health, Bec, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I know,” she smiles. “I am going to surround myself with a new team. No drugs, no alcohol. I won’t be touring anymore.. at least, not for a year or two. I am going to base myself in Atlanta. Or where ever you want to go. As long as I am near you.”

“Do you know who your support system is going to be?” Chloe tries to remember what is was that the doctors told her of Beca’s program.

“Right now? No. I mean, you.. you are going to be the most important person in that system, Chloe. I don’t mean to make it sound like I am trying to put all this pressure on you, because I am not. I’m still weak. I still feel like a kid. I am twenty-three years old and in rehab for drug addiction. This isn’t exactly how I saw my life with you going. I just.. I need to know you are right there beside me, because that will help me be strong.”

“I’ll be here every step of the way, Bec. I promise you. I won’t leave you to do this alone.”

“I never said I was sorry,” she whispers. “About all the cheating. I never really said I was sorry.”

Chloe’s smile tightens just slightly, “I hear what you’re saying and I’m glad to hear it, but I need you to know that it’ll take me a while to forgive you for that. I know you weren’t in your right mind, but it still really stung. I’m not as angry as I was before and I’m working on forgiving you.”

“Chloe, I don’t ever expect you to forgive me,” Beca says, her eyes locked on Chloe’s. “Me being fucked up shouldn’t be brought up. I should have known what that ring on my finger meant, but I ignored it anyways. I just.. I don’t know how I let it happen.”

Chloe is torn for a moment, she wants to reassure Beca but knows that there was a massive breach of trust that she shouldn’t let slip away without being addressed. “Beca,” Chloe bites her lip, “I think you need to work on forgiving yourself. Don’t forget that it happened and what led to it happening, but if you never forgive yourself how will I be able to?”

“It’s hard.” She pulls her hands away from Chloe’s, sliding them into the pocket on her hoodie. “I’ve been trying to forgive myself for it. For everything, really, but I just.. I can’t. When my dad cheated on my mom, that was just with one person.. and he ended up marrying her.. but.. what I did.. so many times.. how am I supposed to forgive myself for that?” She shakes her head. “I opened myself up to a lot more than losing you, with just bringing back random women. I can’t forgive myself for that.”

Chloe can’t help but chuckle a little bit, “Well, I certainly hope that you aren’t intending on marrying anyone besides me, Beca. And it was different with your dad, he had a wife and a daughter,” Chloe winces a little, “We don’t have kids so you only have to worry about us.” Chloe thinks for a moment before continuing, “Do you remember in ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ how Bruce Wayne had to try again and again to make it to the top of that prison wall? And how he never gave up, no matter how many times he fell?” Beca nods. “Well, all it took was him to believe in himself that he could make it without the rope that was supposedly saving him. The drugs and other women are the rope, Beca. You can make it to the top, and I promise I’ll be up there with a bottle of water once you do.”

“I fucked up any chance of us having kids, Chloe. I remember that was one of the first things you ever told me you wanted to do in your life, and we hadn’t even been dating yet. You wanted to be a mother and I took that from you,” she says, trying not to cry. “Chloe, I’ve never wanted to marry anyone besides you. It has always been you, maybe even before I knew it. I.. I used to think that music was the only thing in my life that made sense, but now that I think about it.. it has been you. You make so much more sense than anything in my life. I once compared you to a song, but now that seems unfair. You are like nothing in this world.” She closes her eyes for a moment. “Knowing you are there.. that you will always be there.. it helps, but I just.. I am still fresh into recovery.. maybe, the more time I spend focusing on it, the easier it will be for me to eventually forgive myself for everything I have done.”

Chloe wants more than anything to touch Beca in that moment, to reassure her, but she can see that the other woman has started closing herself off, “We have more options, Beca. We have time to figure it out, because you’re here, we have time.” Chloe smiles and stands up, “I love you, okay? Be well. Write me a letter or give me a call when they let you, I’m sure I’ll have stories for you.” She beckons Beca to meet her, she pulls Beca into a tight hug, “I’ll always love you,” she whispers into her hair. She pulls back slightly and presses a kiss to Beca’s cheek. “Be good, okay?”

Beca nods, pulling Chloe close again, pressing her face into her neck. “I love you,” she whispers. “I love you so much.” She reluctantly lets go, trying to stop the tears that are about to force their way out of her eyes. “I’ll see you soon.”

* * *

 

“Are you sure you have everything you need, Beca?” Chloe watches Beca carefully, her brunette hair pulled off her face in a way that is quite different than her years at Barden. When Beca nods Chloe smiles brightly and kisses her softly on the mouth, “I’ll be at school, okay? If you need anything please don’t hesitate to call either me or Aubrey. I love you.” Chloe squeezes Beca’s shoulder gently before heading for the front door, “Don’t forget to eat something healthy for lunch, none of the junk food you like so much!” It’s all so achingly normal that Chloe can almost forget everything that has happened as she turns back and blows Beca a kiss. Almost.

Beca goes to the window and watches Chloe get in her car and leave, her breath is shaky. She has the house all to herself and she has no idea what to do. “Calm down, Beca. You’re here because you’re ready. Just breathe and get something to drink.” She walks to the kitchen and opens the fridge, she spots the carton of orange juice and breathes a sigh of relief.

Filled glass in hand she makes her way around the small house, committing every detail to memory. She walks down the hallway and stops in the middle. Chloe always loved pictures and the collage of photos covering the wall is no different. To the right of a picture of the two of them, Beca spots a photo of her dearly departed almost mother-in-law, her eyes start to water as she traces around the frame. “I’m so sorry, Jillian, but I’m a lot better now, and I will do everything I can to be better every day, for me and for your daughter.” Beca turns away quickly, her eyes falling on a room she is sure is covered in dust, it’s just about time to shake the cobwebs off.

She enters the room, flicking the light on before stepping to the desk. She sets the glass of juice down, carefully, and runs her fingers over the equipment next to the computer. Turning the machine on, she sits down, pulling the chair closer to the desk as it boots up quickly. Taking a deep breath, she navigates to the boards on her own site, smiling when she realizes how active they had still been. There is a whole section devoted to wishing her well. She clicks on the new post button, taking her time to think as her fingers hover over the keyboard.

> Well, it has been a long time! I know that the tabloids have said things about my eight month disappearance. Rumors of infidelity and drug use. It pains me, on some level, to admit how true these accusations are. When I graduated from Barden University when I was twenty-two, I had the world at my fingertips. I know I always made mentions to my personal life, but I think it is time I delve a little more into that, because if you are still here, you deserve to know.
> 
> I never wanted to go to college. My father forced me to attend Barden for at least a year, while participating in some form of social activity. My reward? He would pay my way to Los Angeles upon completion of that year. The activity I chose was the Barden Bellas. An all female a cappella group led by a blonde named Aubrey, who had some severe daddy and control issues, and a redhead, Chloe, who turned out to be the most important person in my life.
> 
> That first year was full of personal struggles. By the end of it, I had helped lead the Bellas to their first ever championship win. After some stumbles, I realized that I didn’t want to go to Los Angeles.. at least, not yet. Aubrey and Chloe were graduating, and they wanted to pass leadership on to me. I couldn’t say no, even if I tried. To find out that Chloe was going to be staying in Atlanta.. it gave me even more of a reason to stay.
> 
> When I asked Chloe to be my girlfriend, and she said yes, I was beyond thrilled. I had never been in love, but I felt like she was made to be the one for me. She was the first person who ever believed in me. In college, I led the Bellas to three more championships, and the day I graduated, Chloe asked me to marry her. Another instance of I couldn’t say no, even if I tried.
> 
> It was right out of the gate that I started to get noticed. People wanted me to spin at their clubs, and I took to producing my own music. More labels took notice, and before I knew it, my dreams were coming true. This is where I learnt a hard lesson. When you have money, and fame, you can get anything you want. If you use this power wisely, it is very beneficial to your life. If you choose the path I did, it can destroy you.
> 
> I had a circle of friends. I thought they were friends. They were riding my coattails, trying to get a hold on what I had. Marijuana. Cocaine. Alcohol. Anything I wanted, I could have, no questions asked. I went on a five month tour. It was the longest I had been away from Chloe since I had met her. One month into it, Alex brought a girl to my hotel room. I was lonely, I missed Chloe, and I was wasted. Yes, I cheated on Chloe.
> 
> As I continued my downward spiral, I began to pull away from Chloe. I would tell Alex to brush her off. As I was getting high and fucking whatever girl I wanted, Chloe was at home, coping with the fact that in mere months, she would no longer have her mother in her life. When I came home after that five months, I was at the point where the only time I wasn’t high was when I was asleep.
> 
> This was when I found out about Chloe’s mother.
> 
> Jillian was the most amazing woman I had ever met in my life. She loved everyone, despite their flaws, and she had passed that trait onto her daughter. Chloe told me that her mother was dying, and all I did was brush her off like it was no big deal. Chloe reached the point where she couldn’t stand by and watch me destroy myself anymore, and she left.
> 
> I went to my dealer. When I came back, Chloe’s things were gone. So, I decided that my life was over. I almost died that night. Cocaine overdose. Aubrey.. she saved my life, even if she doesn’t really realize that. Chloe told me that her mother had breast cancer.. that she only had a few more months. I decided it was time to take the rehab route.
> 
> Two months into my stay, Chloe came to see me. Jillian had died two weeks prior to that visit, and it took me a long time to stop beating myself up for not getting better sooner. Chloe had needed me, and I wasn’t there for her. Six months later, when I was released, I was scared. I had spent eight months locked away from the outside world.
> 
> I sit here now, clean and sober, writing this so you know my side. Not what the papers say and not what the internet circulates. I am happy, and I am healthy. I have an idea to go back to my mixes.. the thing that started my career.. and make them for you, my fans. I have no immediate plans to record new music or tour. I don’t even feel comfortable leaving my own house right now. But you are the best fans that anyone could ask for, and I want to thank you for standing behind me. I was worried about having a support system that had my interests at heart. I thought Chloe was going to be the only one in it, but as I look at the messages you have posted on here over the past eight months.. you are part of that support system.
> 
> I love you all, and thank you.
> 
> DJ BPM.


End file.
